Cue up a male choir singing the music of hell
“If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.”
Bus trip with someone who has needed a bath
“‘Battlefield Earth’ is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It’s not merely bad; it’s unpleasant in a hostile way.”
So many palms carefully arranged in front of genital areas
“This movie could have been made as a soft-core sex film, but it’s too restrained: There are so many palms carefully arranged in front of genital areas, and Brooke Shields’ long hair is so carefully draped to conceal her breasts, that there must have been a whole squad of costumers and set decorators on permanent Erogenous Zone Alert.”
Designed by a benevolent god with a doctorate in marine biology
Fire and Ash is where that reassurance starts to curdle. It is still recognisably an Avatar movie: the tech is absurd, the sincerity remains weaponised, and the creatures appear to have been designed by a benevolent god with a doctorate in marine biology.