“For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well … my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives.”

“Finally! For years I've had to rely on pencils, or at worst, a twig and some drops of my feminine blood to write down recipes (the only thing a lady should be writing ever).”

“Walked up to the Angel, looked at it, turned around, got back in the car. Only good thing was the parking was free. (It was a) waste of five minutes.”